Ansty FC - Awards Night 2024/25 Season

Friday 4th July saw Ansty FC hold their annual end-of-season event. There were many things to recognise from the season just gone — including getting pissed, falling over, being a bit risqué with girls (of an appropriate age, we assume), taking each other out in matches, and generally just being knobs.

We managed to catch up with a few members of the team during the event, including some comments from the under-fire Assistant to the Second Team Manager, Lewis Ward.

First of all, we grabbed a few seconds with Finley O’Connor, who at the time was struggling to juggle all of his awards while trying to hold up what looked suspiciously like his dad’s trousers.

We asked what he thought about picking up ‘Most Appearances’, ‘Top Goal Scorer’, and ‘Manager’s Player of the Year’. Finley replied simply: “Sausage rolls.” We attempted to rephrase the question to get a sensible answer, but by this point Lewis — the Assistant to the Second Team Manager — had begun undressing the youngster, starting with his tie.

We then tried to catch up with Sammy Strange, the winner of the prestigious ‘Players’ Player of the Year’ award. However, he was at that moment attempting to build some sort of zipline from the balcony to the far side of the field, all while humming the song that played as he accepted his award (Holding Back The Years — Simply Red).

As the evening progressed, we saw him with a vegan sausage in hand, leaping from the balcony attached to the zipline, shouting “Fffuuuccckkkiiiinnggg hellllll!”

After heading back inside, we managed to catch Arlo, one of the newest players at Ansty, who picked up the award for ‘Knob of the Year’. After asking him a question, it became clear we weren’t going to get any answers, as he proceeded to suck on his award while Ben Shepherd sprayed him in the face with some sort of Arlo repellent.

At this point, it was clear we were not going to get any sensible comments from any of the players. So we approached Lewis Ward again for comment. He was playing with some sort of rattle, while a girl named Daisy was having a go on the teething rings. We decided this was a clear sign to leave the premises, with a view to call the authorities at our safest convenience.