What is wrong with him?

The answer to this question, on the lips of many players and staff at Ansty HQ, is... apparently not enough for Ansty FC Chairman Lee Pelling to sack him.

The Assistant to the Second Team Manager, Lewis Ward, gave us a rare interview about his time at the club and what he thinks his future holds. Unfortunately, our offices are next door to Hassocks Infant School, where Lewis insisted we take the photo for this article.

We managed to snap the shot; however, we were quickly asked to leave when Lewis pulled a Playgro horse soft baby toy out of his pocket. After narrowly escaping the school security team, we sat down to try and understand how this under-fire PA to Jake Heath managed to be so hopeless, not only at football, but at life in general.

Here’s what he had to say:

Question 1: Why do you constantly reference people’s mums in derogatory ways?

Lewis: “I think it has something to do with my childhood. I was 16 and a half before I left the breast, and even with those additional nutrients, I still struggle with basic social interaction.”

Question 2: Most managers we speak with have at least a decent knowledge of the game or even a morsel of ability. How did you get appointed?

Lewis: “I don’t really see myself as a manager… I see myself more as a pot wash. Whatever Jake needs, I’m there to help him. The only things I really don’t like doing are: having any responsibility, washing the kit, writing the team sheet, doing any type of admin, looking for match balls, helping or taking part in training, playing in matches, sweeping the changing rooms, speaking to the refs, putting out corner flags, filling water bottles, or chasing up players ahead of match day. Apart from those things, I play a huge part in the operations of the second team.”

Question 3: You have a new season coming up. How will you implement lessons from last season?

Lewis: “I don’t think we need to change anything. I think rocking up late, with a wet kit, a Tesco bag for a first aid kit, and no footballs is a recipe for success. You’ll see that over the coming months.”

That concludes our interview. It’s kicking-out time at the adjacent school.. Lewis heard the bell and sprinted off.